CarnalNation

Imagine that you are someone with a disability and the energy reserves you have each day are represented by the spoons in your kitchen drawer. Getting up, for example, requires a spoon. Showering takes a spoon–rinsing off, that is; doing a full shampoo and conditioning would take two spoons. Getting to work takes another two spoons, what with the walking up and down stairs (particularly in San Francisco) and negotiating public transport (and your fellow passengers). Later, your colleagues may ask if you want to have lunch with them at a restaurant a few blocks away. Do you join them, enjoying the camaraderie and networking but using up another two or three spoons with the walking, or do you take your lunch in the staff room, missing out on the socializing but saving your energy resources for later in the day?

The journey home takes up another spoon or two, so by the time you arrive and eat dinner (which you may have made), you have very few spoons left. Then comes the question, what do you do with your evening? Do you spend a few hours with your partner, talking, cuddling and watching TV (and in doing so use up the last of your spoons), or do you go to bed early, in an attempt to store up some energy for later in the week?

This analogy was told (with a few details changed) by Phoenix-based sex educator Shanna Katz (aka Essin’ Em) during a recent workshop at Femina Potens in San Francisco, in order to demonstrate just some of the challenges and choices that people with different abilities face every day. Throughout the afternoon, the lovely Ms. Katz led a discussion on disability and sexuality, and the intersection between the two.

Before the workshop, entitled SexAbility, I was able to ask her a few questions. First off, I wanted to know why she began leading such workshops, which she did about 18 months ago, and what she hopes people will take from them.

“I myself identified as being dis/abled, and while the kink scene tends to be very open to people with various abilities, not all sexual settings are and, even within kink, it’s not always talked about,” said Shanna, who is also the resident sexuality educator at Fascinations. “Identifying as disabled or as a person with a disability is an identity, and I firmly believe that all identities should be explored, supported, validated, and looked at as to how they fit in with other identities.

“In our society, we often don’t see people with disabilities as sexual beings or, if we do, we expect them to want to get pregnant. Most medical studies work towards solving ED [erectile dysfunction] and helping those who want to get pregnant to conceive and carry. The problem is that sexuality is so much more than pregnancy, and even more than orgasm. I want to help people who have various disabilities (and their partners) embrace their sexuality, realize that they can be sexual beings, learn to communicate, help integrate their identity into the sexual and sensual side of their life, and more.”

During the workshop, both Shanna and the participants brought up a lot of interesting issues, ones that are not often discussed even within sex positive communities. I asked Shanna which ones come up most frequently when she leads other SexAbility workshops throughout the country; these proved to be similar to the topics discussed at Femina Potens.

“Identity is always a tricky thing,” said Shanna. “I have people who come to workshops using aids (wheelchairs, guide dogs, etc.) who don’t identify as having a disability, and their partners don’t get it. I have people whose partners don’t see the need to talk about disability in relationship to sexuality. Plus, what does ‘disability’ mean? Does it mean OCD or bipolar? Or is it only physical? Not everyone agrees on terms; some identify as disabled, some as people with disabilities, some as ‘crips,’ some as something else, and some don’t identify at all.

“I’ve learned it’s important to ask how people view themselves and not make assumptions either towards their identity or to whether they even feel their disability has any effect on the their sexuality; not everyone does.

“In addition to that, there is always a lot of discussion on visible versus invisible disability. People who have more ‘obvious’ appearing disabilities talk about how it often keeps potential partners from seeing them as sexual, as able to top them, as able to provide service, etc. They also talk about how they hate being babied because of people’s assumptions. Then, people with less apparent disabilities talk about how it can be difficult to come out as someone with a disability, or because it’s harder to see, people don’t ‘get’ it as much and aren’t as aware.”

So, outside of the workshops, what are some of the biggest issues that people with different abilities face in relation to sexuality (with themselves or their partners)?

“For some who have had a disability for a long time, it’s sometimes been drummed into them that they are not sexual, have no right to be sexual, etc.,” said Shanna. “Many didn’t get any form of sex education because [of] the assumption that someone who is differently abled won’t need that information. Others worry about how to bring the disability up to a partner. For example, if I need help switching my catheter bag and ask my partner, will they now not think I’m sexy?

“Another item that is always discussed is kink. There are fairly few kink aware/friendly doctors out there and if you have a disability that requires a more specialized doctor, you can’t always choose who you get. This means that not only might one have issues explaining bruises, rope burn, single tail marks, etc., but they might not be able to ask their doctor(s) important questions, like whether rope suspension can be done given their joint issues, or whether they can be fisted with a catheter.”

Through the workshops, Shanna hopes “to open doors, foster growth and …facilitate discussion.” She also hopes to raise awareness and help people connect with one another so that they may form support networks within sex positive communities. I think it’s safe to say that, during the workshop at Femina Potens, she did just that!

For more information on Shanna Katz and future workshops, go to shannakatz.com or essin-em.com. Shanna recommends fetlife.com as one good resource for connecting with other people. For reading, she suggests The Ultimate Guide to Sex and Disability: For All of Us Who Live With Disabilities, Chronic Pain and Illness by Miriam Kaufman, as well as Enabling Romance: A Guide to Love, Sex and Relationships for People With Disabilities (and the People Who Care About Them) by Erica Levy Klein.