Every once in a while, some well meaning cis guy will offer to teach me about "manhood." The implication, no matter how friendly the intent, always seems to be that I'm doing it wrong; that I shouldn't be wearing skinny jeans or listening earnestly to the problems of my lady friends or, perhaps, even, that I shouldn't be kissing boys. I can't tell you exactly what each individual dude-bro has had in mind, but as you can see, I have a few guesses.
What none of these guys seems to consider is that maybe my less macho attributes are not remnants of my past "feminine" artifacts which I hold onto out of cluelessness as to how a "real" man should behave, that maybe, in fact, I am exactly as masculine as I want to be.
There's this idea in cissexist society that trans people are naïve about gender. It seems people assume that guys like me "don't know how to be women" and therefore "don't know how to be men" either. Trans people are supposed to be tragically caught in between, too clumsy to conform to either socially sanctioned gender.
Pop culture is full of images of trans women who are either hyper feminine or trying and failing to be. Although trans men are less commonly represented, most people assume that we will also conform to some hyper-masculine stereotype. Trans people are portrayed as if we don't have genders of our own, as if the only thing we know how to do is latch onto the most extreme gender role model we can find and then imitate it.
Many people are critical of trans people's supposedly rigid gender roles, without, apparently, even having met any trans people. It's just assumed by society that all trans women want to be Barbie and all trans men want to be Ken. Our genders, apparently, are much less nuanced than those of cis people, who come in many flavors: hipster dude, yuppie dude, punk chick, sporty chick, and so on. Trans people, on the other hand, are only supposed to conform to two types: Manly Man and Womanly Woman.
I've talked before about this double bind, in which therapists, doctors, families and friends, along with the media and all the rest of cis society, try to impose very rigid gender roles on trans people, making compliance with these roles a condition for access to hormones and surgeries and then turn around and criticize trans people for our supposedly unenlightened approach to gender. I've even heard people suggest that a good women's studies course could "cure" a trans man of the need to transition, by elucidating all the options he could have as a "different kind of woman." (Retch.)
It's like cis people don't think we've thought about our genders. We have, trust me. In fact, if you're cis and you're reading this, there's a good chance that I have thought more about my gender than you ever have about yours. Much more. We're talking countless hours, endless angsty journal entries, manifold anguished conversations. Hell, I even went to therapy, just for my gender. A lot of us did. (Those who didn't aren't missing much: just another opportunity to be pathologized and forced to justify their own existence.)
The fact is, cis people are generally the ones who are naïve about gender. They can't explain what makes them men or women without pointing to failed explanations like biology, genitalia, chromosomes, and simplistic notions of "masculine" and "feminine." If you've never thought about what makes you the gender that you are, go ahead, try it. I dare you. Guys, think for a minute about what makes you guys, without resorting to arguments about testosterone, having a Y chromosome, or your dick. Girls, explain why who you are is not reducible to estrogen, lacking a Y chromosome, or what's in your panties.
I'm waiting.
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Awesome, Asher; absolutely
Awesome, Asher; absolutely awesome.
I never post comments here (or anywhere really) since I'm a lurker by nature, but I just had to comment on this, and cheer you on in this rant. And you're right about naiviety - I think if more cis people honestly thought about what 'makes' someone a man or a woman we may have a lot less gender and sexuality based hate crime. Maybe there is hope for more inclusive definitions of gender in general if people are asked to assess their views rather than just accepting the labels as what they are.
I know that my own consideration of my gender (prompted not a little by writings such as yours) has led me to change many of my ideas about what makes a person a man or a woman. I'm a cis-gendered female bisexual, but have never felt like I belonged in either camp, neither 'female' nor 'male'... While I generally get along in my own body fairly well, I do have periods of angst where I mourn the fact that I don't fit comfortably into any of the labels - maybe I should give that up!
Your comments about gender and labelling have always made me think, and this posting especially. Thank you for writing this; as usual, you've given me a lot to think about.
Thank you
I am a cis woman and I have pondered over what makes me a woman before, and was pretty stumped for a while. It was a strange feeling to not know, but not an unsettling one. For a while, the best way I could explain it was that I didn't feel an inner dissonance, and after more thought, I tried to put it into words again. (I wrote about this: What it means to be a woman and Affirming a womanly state) That time I thought about what I would feel if I were other genders and it was uncomfortable. My comment subject is "thank you" because you spelled it out so concisely and accurately for me, "because that's what you feel like" and "It is the frame of reference that lets you best understand yourself." How lovely that reads. Thank you.
Bravo.
Bravo.
This rocks!
Once again, I recommend your column to colleagues and friends, far and wide. Thanks so much!
OH MY GAWD!!!
Thank You, Thank You, Thank You, THANK YOU, FUCKING THANK YOU!!!
It's like trying to explain the practical physics of combustion to chimpanzees... The human brain evolved to identify danger, not perceive truth. So evolution's logic is "Whatever doesn't change, ain't gonna kill you..." of course until it does, and then you spend whatever life is left all messed up about it. A perfect example is the earth. Nobody thinks about the ground they walk on, until it moves... then look out for the panic!!! Case in point, most folks are brain-dead around gender, because after about 15, people stop seeing it. That is, until the earth moves, bring in the gender-queer and Holla F#@K!!! Look out for the panic. It comes out in phobia, it shows up in anger and territorial behavior, and for sure it shows up in people unthinkingly trying to fix what they perceive as wrong by moving the earth back to where they remember it being... searching for the comfort of the knowable.
So Dude, thanks for saying what there is to say. Personally, I'm MTF, whatever that means. The good news is that after about 15 years in the body of choice, and 20 living socially in the gender of choice, I'm really clear about not being exactly 1or 0 in the binary gender lottery. In fact I'm about a 0.68, and it messes some folks up.
I don't mind educating the ignorant. I do get tired of the "Stupid and proud of it folks." I've actually come to a place of relative peace about the whole affair. For the most part, I don't angst about gender, and maybe that makes me less likely to draw people's ire. That said, a young what's-zit playing around with fluid gender expression, is more than a little apt to make the kind of gender-quakes that bring the terminally ignorant out of the woodwork. People get all screwed up with preference... Hey is that a guy or a babe??? Should I be excited or ignore it or maybe mildly repugnant??? Straight, queer, owe, owe, my heads going to go BOOM!!! You get the picture.
Then of course they blame you for their missing head, and all the nasty on the sidewalk... there isn't any justice.
Thanks again for venting my spleen with your rant... I love being channeled :-)